Limericks and Insults
To be properly sung, follow this form (even those fags from WisconSIN understand it):
ONE PERSON:
(insert favorite limerick here)
EVERYONE:
Oh! Aye yi yi yi
SOMEONE ELSE:
(insert your favorite insult here)
EVERYONE AGAIN:
So sing me another verse that's worse than the other verse
And waltz me around by my willy!
(or Bounce on my balls 'till I'm silly!)
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgeons
And masculine urgeons
And swarms with erotic effex.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He looked in a glass
And spied his own ass
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam
He chuckled with mirth
For he know upon Earth
There were only two tits and he had 'em!
There once was a priest from Morocco
Who's motto was really quite macho
He said, "To be blunt,
God decreed we eat cunt
Why else would it look like a taco?"
There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He would play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
There once was a man from Kinort
Whose prick was incredibly short
When he got into bed
His girlfriend said
That isn't a prick it's a wart!
There once was a girl named Dot
Who lived off pig shit and snot
When she couldn’t find these
She’d eat the green cheese
That grew out the sides of her twat!
Traditionally followed by:
“If you liked that you’re a sick motherfucker!”
There was a young girl from Wheeling
Who has an incredible feeling
She would lie on her back
And tickle her crack
And pee all over the ceiling.
There once was a young man from Racine
Who invented a jack-off machine
On the 99th stroke
The God damn thing broke
And beat his balls into cream.
A lovesick skydiver named Sherm
Bailed out with his prick long and firm
Two jerks and a spasm
Produced an orgasm
And he spelled out, “Oh Fuck You!” in sperm!
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could stick it in up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Stuck it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn’t he!?
There was a caveman named Dave
Who drug a dead whore to his cave
She was smellier than shit
And was missing a tit
But think of the money he saved!
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon!
He did not have the luck
To be born by a fuck
He was scraped from the sheets with a spoon.
There once was a son-of-a-bitch
Neither clever, handsome, nor rich
Yet the girls he would dazzle
And fuck to a frazzle
And then ditch them, that son-of-a-bitch!
There once was a young lady from France
Who didn’t mind taking a chance,
But she thought it was crude
To get screwed in the nude
So she always went home with wet pants.
There once was an old man named Esser
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
That he knew nothing at all.
And now he’s a college professor!
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I'd fuck it!
There once was a man from Ely
Who pounded his pud with great feeling
And then like a trout
He would open his mouth
And wait for the drop from the ceiling.
There once was a girl from Stoughton
Whose main joy in life was deep throatin'
Then along came a john
12 1/2 inches long
And caused the poor girl to start chokin'!
There once was a young man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her
"That used to be grand
But just look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as you used to."
There once was a lawyer named Murray
Who said to his client "Don't worry,
Just open your mouth
And I'll get you out
You just have to blow the whole jury!"
There once was a girl named Dot
Who inserted a fly in her twat
The fucker would buzz
When you tickled the fuzz
'Till you glued its wings shut with a shot.
There once was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep while in his canoe
He dreamt of Venus
And played with his penis
And awoke in a boat full of goo!
There once was a man from Euglas
Who's balls were made out of brass
Then they jingled together
They played stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a jack-off machine
Both concave and convex
It would serve either sex
But, oh, what a mother to clean!
A nymphomaniac named Jill
Thought she’d try dynamite for a thrill
They said they found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil!
There once was a young girl from Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took no chance
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser
There was a young man from Eau Claire
Who was fucking a whore on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air!
There once was a whore named Maureen
Who didn't keep her cunt very clean
The semen dripped out
Of her smelly old spout
Which she scrapped up and ate with saltines.
There was a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw
But one leads to another
And now she's a mother:
Let this be a lesson to you!
There once was a young man named McBride
Who could fart whenever he tried
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two
And then shit and was disqualified.
There once was a vampire named Mable
Whose period was quite unstable.
She picked up a glass,
Held it up to her ass
And drank herself under the table!
There once was a lady named Alice,
Who used dynamite as a phallus.
They found her vagina
in north carolina,
and part of her asshole in dallas!
Your brother refills cream donuts
Your dad eats your brother's cream donuts
Your sister swims out to meet troopships
The troopship rejected your sister
The troopship requested your father
Your sister rides bicycles without seats
Your brother fucks butterball turkeys
Your brother beats off with a crowbar
Your grandmother gives enemas to chipmunks
Your sister french kisses toilet seats
Your mother scrapes bat shit off cave walls
Your brother wears dresses to discos
Your sister blows dogs for nickels
Your mother does powersquats on fireplugs
Your sister's in love with a carrot
Your brother's in love with a bagel
Your father wraps hamsters in duct tape
Your mother douches with dranno
Your grandmother gives gummers to plumbers
Your mother doesn't wipe, she drip dries
Your sister sticks to the couch
If you liked that you're a sick motherfucker
Your grandpa licks moose cum off branches
Your dog has a big bloddy asshol
Your brother eats corn out of feces
Your parents were brother and sister
Your father was a cucumber
Your mother gives handjobs to pilots
Your grandmother freefalls on flagpoles
Your father's in love with a toaster
Gophers eat pussy for breakfast
Illinois
Consider the case of the Illini from Champaign
Who had a large cock and a very small brain
While fucking his sister
He raised a large blister
On the tip of his whip and her pubic terrain.
Indiana
There once was a hoosier named Bates
Who took young fellows out on dates
With his hand on their hips
He applied his hot lips
To wipe off the dongs of his brothers.
Iowa
There was a devout Hawkeye's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her
'Till she found that its dong
Was as hard and as long
As the Iowa prayers he had taught her.
Michigan
There once was a gay Wolverine
Who's manners were quite obscene
He loved to eat jizz
Both others and his
And kept the rest in a canteen.
Michigan State
There was a Spartan cheerleader named Frost
Who's cunt's a good two feet across
It's the best part of valor
To butt plug the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
Minnesota
Now Gophers are full of surprises
Our dicks come in all shapes and sizes
The smallest of these
Will hang down to our knees
Just imagine the size when it rises!
Northwestern
The young Wildcat girl from Evanston
Who's mother, to save her from sin,
Had filled up her crack
To the brim with shellac
But the boys pricked it out with a pin.
Ohio State
A Buckeye known only as Carruthers
Will never make little girls mothers
Around the old brown
He is covered with down
To wipe off the dongs of his brothers.
Penn State
There was a young fellow from Penn State
Who did the fandango on skates
He fell on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
Purdue
There once was a guy from Purdue
Who was vainly attempting to screw
His girl said with dismay
"If you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you!"
WisconSIN
A fairly nice Badger named Keith
Used to skin cocks with his teeth
It wasn't for pleasure
He adopted the measure
But to get at the cheese underneath.
